We love you more with every new moment you share in this world with us. My love for you fills my body so much that I feel like I could burst. It’s that kind of love… all-consuming and forever.
You are 5 months old. I feel in some ways we are finally finding out groove. Up until very recently things always felt so hard and discouraging. I’d sob to your dad about how I wasn’t very good at this (mothering). They still are in some ways, sleep namely (I have a lot to say about this another time, but not now, I can’t bear more tears), but it’s not nonstop. Your spirits are much higher and you cry much, much less. This has transformed our life together over the past month and I am so very grateful. I love seeing you enjoy your life out here in the world more and more. In fact people will stop me now and ask if you’re always so happy!
So much to say about you right now. Let’s see… You’re almost sitting up on your own! In fact, you get annoyed if I leave you on your back for too long. You’ve rolled over both directions but are still not a huge fan of being on your belly to start with. Man, you’re strong. Your legs are made up of rolls and rolls and rolls and your kicks are intense. We went to the pediatrician last month and you are almost 70% for height and 90% for weight. This is up a ton since 2 months so I am one proud mama. Oh, and your hair is growing in so sweetly. I love rubbing my face against those silken locks.
You laugh BIG belly laughs and you and I just get in a fit of giggles, back and forth, as I can’t contain my glee over your happiness. Sometimes as I rock you to sleep you just start laughing and I smile so hard. Speaking of smiles…oh, your smiles kill us. You grin the biggest grin every time you see your papa or me then turn away as if embarrassed. When you wake up (as long as you’ve slept enough) full on grin. You’ve started grabbing things with great force, especially my face and hair. You trace the lines of my face arms and chest while you’re nursing and it’s the sweetest thing, especially when accompanied by your coos while eating. I’m sure I’ve said it before but you also pause eating to grin you’re so blissed out. You’re much more into toys now, and it’s fun so see what you’re drawn to. You still love your little wooden play gym but your favorite is your ladybug (named Lady B) from Auntie Clare. You LOVE that thing. OH and we got you a high chair and you sat in it tonight as we ate dinner and loved it! You held your little wooden spoon and sucked on it too. None of us is ready to start solid food just yet but we want to get you used to the idea. So for now, you sit in your chair, play with your toys–dropping them off the edge into the ‘abyss’, and blow bubbles and bubbles and bubbles.
Summer in Montana is in full swing, so we’ve been doing our best to get out and help you enjoy it at your pace. This usually means something like going to a lake, me jumping in and drying off so I’m ready in time to wear you in your carrier for your nap. So far you’ve been to Whitefish, Foys, Flathead, Ashley, and Swan Lakes. Oh, and Lake McDonald of course. Or else we head out on easier hikes where you sleep ever-so-peacefully as we walk. We go to Heron Park a fair amount and have also hiked the Whitefish trails and the Sprunger-Whitney Nature Trail. Together we’ve gone cherry picking, raspberry picking (this morning), and even found some thimbleberries on our hike recently.
Last week our friends the Pattee’s visited us from Portland and it was so much fun (please visit again soon!). I met them while we were all staying at the same Buddhist Temple in Mt. Koya in Japan. Their son is a month older than you so it was so sweet to see you two together, even if you were a little bit skeptical at first. The sweetest was when you grabbed each others’ hand when we were picnicking at Whitefish Beach.
My little bug, I love you so. I often think about all it is that I want to capture for you about these early months. So one day when you ask me what it was like, whether you’re a small child or about to have one of your own, I can recount it clearly. But then I think that’s part of the magic, that it’s a blur of feeling. To list the makings of our days or how hard it is would just sound mundane. You have to feel it… the stillness and weight of your body as it finally relaxes, rising and falling, settling into a deep sleep. My sigh of relief and the deep breath I take as I nuzzle my face in your neck and rub my cheek against your ear, soaking you in as much as I can, knowing it’ll all vanish even more quickly than it appeared. My throat getting tight and my eyes starting to wet because of that matter of fact. It’s a heart-wrenching bliss if there is such a thing.